Generally Offensive

Draft picks alone move the wheels of the Zorn Passification System (patent pending). It better be a ball control system too, because there are going to be some old, tired defensive players spending lots of quality time on the pitch for the maroon and black this season. Danny & Vinny (collectively, "Daninny") spent months creating their homemade, one-of-a-kind Draft Board, but apparently forgot to turn the paper over and look at the defensive players on the back.

Day One saw some nifty trading down and brought two new candidates for the role of designated Big WRTM: Devin Thomas of Michigan State and Oklahoma's Malcolm Kelly.

Malvin Thomelly, Big WR v. 5.2

And that would have been fine, great even, if in between Daninny hadn't also select TE Fred Davis from the non-Spurrier USC. Taking Fred meant passing up on Maroon and Black favorite (and product of The U) DE Calais Campbell, snatched by the Cardinals one pick before Kelly.

The end result? Three picks, three receivers, zero defenders. No corners, no safeties, no help at all for either of the beleaguered lines. To recap: Trading down to stockpile picks and avoid reaching for players? GOOD. Using all those picks on receivers at the expense of your aging lines and thin secondary? BAD.

*****

Day Two brought some help for the brittle O-line in the form of Northern Iowa G Chad Rinehart, who at least sounds like a corn-fed Midwestern offensive lineman. Round 4 saw a feeble nod to the defense with the selection of "Nickel Back of the Future" Justin Tryon, whose play will spawn a variety of bad puns if nothing else.

After the fourth round things seemed to be settling down a bit. Daninny revised the Day One gambit, trading out of Round 5 to stockpile picks in the sixth round and using them to select... A punter? Yeah, because Derrick Frost is the guy that cost this team a Super Bowl berth. Whatever. At least they took the best punter in the NCAA. (Resist temptation to make smartest Special Olympian joke.) Nicholls State safety Kareem Moore will be making a big adjustment to the NFL, but given the dearth of talent behind Landry and Reed Doughty, he figures to have a good shot.

With what really ought to have been the 45th pick in Round 6 (but was really only pick 20) the Maroon and Black selected the Flyin' Hawaiian, designated "Fan Favorite Backup QB of the Future", Colt Brennan.

Goes down smooth.

Brennan is coming off of surgery which will sideline a good chunk of his rookie campaign, thereby delaying his ascent to the pantheon of Great College System QBs like Andre Ware, who would be known as the man who destroyed the Detroit Lions, except that the Lions were already terrible.

Rounding out the draft for the Maroon and Black, K-State DE Rob Jackson, who appears to have a worse 40 time than Colt Brennan and UCLA safety Christopher Horton, who is "a straight-line player who is going to have problems holding up in man coverage, isn't much of a playmaker and has some durability concerns." At least he hears really well.

I guess the line coaches are going to have to hock some personal possessions to pay the UFAs.

Lordy, Lordy, Zorn & Jordy

And we're back. I'd apologize for the extended absence, but we didn't miss anything anyway, so shove off. Apparently there's some sort of big NFL to-do this weekend, a cattle-call of sorts where youngsters are branded with the logos of their new teams. Good for future Browns, bad for future Bengals.

Pre-draft speculation has it that if the Skins resist the temptation to trade 3 years worth of draft picks to the Raiders for the rights to Warren Sapp, they'll probably select a wide receiver at some point on Day One. But not just any WR, a Big WRTM.

It seems like the Redskins have been trying, without success, to find a cornerstone wideout since Keenan McCardell disappeared off the post-Super Bowl practice squad. (Wonder whatever happened to that guy?) The list of "replacements" is an insult to the terrible Keanu Reeves movie of the same name. A few "highlights": Alvin Harper, Michael Westbrook, Rod Gardner, Brandon Lloyd...

Next on the list? Perhaps K-State wideout Jordy Nelson.

Big WR v. 5 (or is it 6?)

What outstanding qualities does young Jordy "Lord Admiral" Nelson possess to warrant such a lofty selection in the annual NFL amateur player selection event and jambaroo? Darned if I know. But if he has half the success of his predecessors as the Redskins' designated Big WRTM that would be... expected.

Run Jordy. Run far and fast. Just not in your workout. It's your only hope.

Get OTA Here!

May 2, 2008 will be the official starting date of the Coach Zorn Epoch. With the opening of the team's first minicamp players will get their initial look at the patent-pending Zorn Passification System. Of course, none of these unholy pagan rituals are open to the prying eyes of the Maroon and Black-clad public, so we'll likely have to wait until 45 seconds into the first scrimmage to determine if the squad has fully absorbed Coach Zorn's genius.

Yes, But Can He Hack It?

Ah, the second week of March. A time when free agent WRs thoughts turn to mild desperation. Erstwhile Seattle wideout D.J. Hackett has finally scheduled his much anticipated visit to Casa de Dano. So is D.J. the next A.R-L, the next B-Lloyd, or the second coming of Buddy Hackett? M&B's money is on numero dos, in case you were curious.

What's the fascination with D.J.'s familiarity with Coach Zorn? Was Hackett spending his IR time reading up on the patent-pending Zorn Passification System? If so, shouldn't Mike Holmgren be justifiably upset? If not, what exactly separates D.J. from Michael Westbrook, except possibly the absence of a strong right hook?

Rock On!

3 years, $3.35M for everybody's favorite return man/back-up RB/bowling ball. Cartwright was looking for something in the neighborhood of $2M guaranteed, but it looks like he found himself between, well, himself and a hard place as he settled for $500K or thereabouts in guaranteed money.

And the new Thrifty Dan Era rolls on.

Free Agency's Just Another Word for No One Left to Sign

Believe what you want, but it's the high price of jet fuel that's grounded Dan Force One this offseason. Sure, we can get five or six million under the cap, but one jaunt to LA and back eats up most of those savings.

Looks like Dan the Plan is finally taking a page from the Leonsis-Kasten-Grunfeld playbook. Lock up your own guys first, then fill in around the edges. This was a playoff team last season after all. No need to go all implode-y.

Let's see if we can wring one more good season out of Jansen and Samuels, cobble together a recieving corps behind Santana and A.R-L, add some defensive backfield depth, and hell, while we're wishing, track down a rushing end and a run-stuffing tackle. If that doesn't work, we can always blow it up next season.

Coach Zorn Wants (to) Rock

Word comes down that Coach Zorn's 2008 dream roster requires the return of Todd Collins, Shawn Springs and Rock Cartwright. Taken in order: Meh, okey-dokey and Hells Yeah! In case you can't tell, the Maroon likes the Rock.

Myself I always thought the big idea behind having Todd Collins around was that he was the world's foremost non-practicing practicioner of the Al Saunders Offense TM, all rights reserved. Did Big Gray Al not take his offense with him when he left? If the Zorn Passification System (patent pending) is just another run-of-the-mill West Coast variation, then I suppose Collins may have some value.

As for Springs, he's a hometown boy, born and raised in South Suburban Maryland, so there's no reason he should take the midnight train going anywhere. Shawn and Carlos Rogers combined might give you one healthy CB for the upcoming season. Anything to prevent another Mike Rumph sighting.

What can we say about Rock that Jack Black hasn't already said, repeatedly, for increasingly diminishing returns? Rock is AWESOME. Running back depth is the new Maroon & Black.